It was a warm Friday night and I just bought “Danielle” and her female friend sushi and martinis at one of the trendiest nightspots in the city.
Danielle looked great (as usual) and thanked me for the flowers I sent to her workplace that day.
We were headed to another bar and I thought things were going well.
In less than two hours, she was making out with another guy (right in front of me).
Minutes later, I left for home…frustrated, alone, and with about eight dollars in my pocket.
The word “humiliated” barely describes how I felt inside.
These days, I don’t feel bad one bit about it because I learned a lot from that experience.
Here are the lessons I took away:
The Importance of Timing
Yes, I sent flowers to Danielle at her workplace because I read somewhere that women like romantic surprises.
The part that the men’s magazine left out was that women like romantic gestures ONLY if they are attracted to begin with.
This means that dinners, flowers, candy, cards, and compliments are magical attraction enhancers, but will not make a woman feel attracted by themselves.
That is to say, she has to like you for YOU first or everything you do will seem like you’re trying too hard, or worse, annoy her!
The truth was, I had only seen her out once before and talked to her a few times before on the phone. We were just getting to know each other but I was guilty of “too much, too soon.”
What I was doing was I was trying to grow a fire by tossing logs on a wood pile before the spark even lit the kindling (you outdoorsy types will understand this analogy).
Friend vs. Potential Romantic Partner
Another lesson I learned involves that classic mistake that most guys make with attractive women.
This mistake involves treating a girl that you wish to date more like a friend and ending up in the dreaded Friend Zone (read this article for how to avoid).
Sometimes this happens on accident. In the case of Danielle, we always got into deep conversations about life and relationships.
That night when I met her and her friend out, we had a good time joking around about our past relationships.
Without knowing it, I had become a reluctant third party to a girls’ night out.
What’s worse, I read somewhere that women like guys who “play it cool.”
So, I made no effort to flirt, no attempt to make fun of her in a playful way, and showed no romantic interest in any way.
What’s worse is that I started to lose focus and quickly became guilty of all three of the most insidious attraction killers from this article here.
Plus, by insisting on paying (despite the protest of both women), I sealed my fate as the generous platonic friend of an attractive woman (and nothing more).
If You Don’t Pursue, Some Other Guy Will
While I was playing it “cool,” Danielle got reeled in to a conversation with another guy in a different part of the restaurant.
This guy was a non-threat. He was a harmless, forty-something man with less hair and more belly than me.
No worries, right?
As it turns out, the guy had a lot of charisma and quickly charmed the group into heading for another nearby watering hole. I assumed that Danielle’s attractive female friend would entertain the new guy while I FINALLY made my move on Danielle.
I was wrong. Very wrong.
The new guy and Danielle had a lot in common and hit it off rather quickly while I “laid back and played hard to get.”
The lesson here?
Simple. With any attractive woman, you should automatically assume that she will be hit on by other guys before, during, and after she meets you.
If you’re not going to flirt with her, ask her out, or try to make a physical move on her when the time is right, some other guy will be happy to do it for you!
What to Remember Here
- NEVER make any romantic gestures unless you know she’s attracted to you first
- Don’t talk to her like a close friend unless you want to end up in the Friend Zone
- Playing it cool is fine in the beginning, but you MUST make a move (sooner rather than later, if possible)
Story note: Danielle and I ended up as much more than friends later on (to be discussed in a future post).
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